The conservative pundit grift machine is dependent upon two major things, like a fire triangle: 1) Financial donations and 2) Manufactured outrage.
Recently, Twitter’s Bearded Boy Jesse Farrar made a tweet about drowning conservatives, which was picked up by rabid extraperiodontal nerd Charlie Kirk, who later went on Fox news to call Jesse (and his sometime employers) bad.
They tried to silence Jesse using a very easy exploit of Twitter’s fucking terrible reporting system. Jesse was sent to Twitter Jail for a few days, emerging on the other side a sober, reflective man, who proceeded to tweet a picture of a dick made up to look like a Minion.
Here’s how the Conservative Outrage Machine works:
- People who are literally paid by gross pieces of shit like the Mercers or the Kochs to write “think pieces” about how Phrenology is correct and how Eugenics is a tantalizing prospect find something they can work as “objectionable.” It could be a tweet you DIDN’T EVEN TWEET OUT TO THE WORLD, JUST A REPLY, but hell, you sent it, you sodomite, so prepare for damnation.
- These conservative writers, who yesterday were organizing a rally where the protestors wear diapers, decide that “this shall not stand” and tweet about it.
- Some of these tweets inevitably find their way up the diarrhea train to more credible, or widespread media outlets where everyone gets to “tut, tut” how terrible you are (while having bios on Twitter that read “1488 AMERICA FIRST.”)
- You’re then subjected to days of people typing “your retarded” and “peace of ahit asswhole” in your mentions and reporting literally every historical tweet you ever made where you said to a friend “I will punch your face” or “shut up, bitch!” and they will make a MASSIVE stink to who they think your employers are.
- Inevitably, something will probably happen with Twitter. Mass reporting is one of the ways that Twitter measures whether a tweet actually violates the rules (unless your the President, naturlich.) You will likely have to sit on the naughty bench for 12 hours to TEN DAYS (which appears to be a record set by Katie Notopoulous of BuzzFeed.)
- During this time, the conservatives, who literally celebrate cops shooting black children, will declare victory. You’re probably going to notice it getting quieter around your accounts.
Nothing changes about this cycle. These people are the easiest to get worked up into a lather, and they consistently follow through with this every. Single. Time.
So, when I got a wild hare today because I was bemoaning the endless CPAC tweets, I got an idea:
What if I do a tweet like Jesse, but actually draw attention to this system?
So I did.
And within 30 minutes, Conservatives were frothing at the mouth, which is their Pavlovian reaction to getting their Koch Shit Biscuits delivered through the tube in the back of their neck:
Within the hour, I was on Breitbart.
And they printed the chain in its entirety, including the term “Conservative Diarrhoea Train”
But there was a slight hitch in the giddyup: I had proactively taken my account private.
You can’t report tweets from a private account.
So now Breitbart is on Instagram, blowing my Instagram up.
People are going through old posts of mine just to say “MAGA” and whatnot.
But who the hell cares about that? I’m getting “serious engagement numbers.™”
Because media is completely predicated on bullshit engagement numbers, I’m going to have impressive stats I can show folks later.
Breitbart gave me free promo.
People are clicking on the shit I read, which actually helps me get work.
So, thanks!
UPDATE:
Hours after publishing, Breitbart reached out to me:
So I replied
EDIT 2: Breitbart has still NOT published by reply. I wonder why?