Listen up, dipshits:
Barely any of you can review food.
Sorry, but it’s true.
No one cares that you got a 96 one time on an English test in your final year of High School. You suck at writing food reviews.
Here’s how to write a good one.
- BE BRIEF! If you start telling me about the weather on the day you went, you can fuck right off! Nobody cares. Keep it short.
- DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING THAT ISN’T ABOUT THE FOOD OR THE WAIT TO GET THE FOOD. Oh, you think the decor is a bad example of art deco? WHO GIVES A HAIRY FUCK? I want to eat.
- TELL ME, IN ORDER, WHAT DISHES YOU HAD. Don’t tell me anything else about the menu except your personal experience. I don’t give a witch’s asshair what “everyone says to get.” Everyone is an idiot, like you.
- TELL ME EXACTLY WHY IT WAS GOOD OR NOT GOOD. If there weren’t enough vegetables, NO ONE GIVES A NUN’S FART. How were the vegetables? Undercooked? Overcooked? What were they sauced in? Was the sauce salty? Was there enough sauce?
- DON’T TELL ME THAT THE WAITRESS WAS RUDE TO YOU. If it takes you 1200 words to describe a fuckin’ Chimichanga at lunch, I think I already know why.
- TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD ORDER AGAIN. Just give me the list, and save the fuckin’ flowers. No one cares.
- DON’T TELL ME YOU HAVE A BETTER PLACE TO GO TO UNLESS THAT PLACE IS IN THE SAME CITY. No one wants to know, you suburb-dwelling Milestones-ass bitch!
That’s it. And take some fucking decent pictures of the food. Learn how to use a camera before you go out in public, dumbass.