LEAKED: The Real Things All Successful People Do Before Breakfast
You’ve seen the videos. You’ve read the articles. You’ve felt self conscious about your lackadaisical routine. But what if that advice was just the facade these successful people use to obscure their real routines? Through an unknown source using the account bongslayer69@hotmail.cx, we now know the truth. Here’s what the one percenters really do to start their day.
They check the current trend in body hair. If you’re visiting top doctors and sex workers, you don’t want to be caught in last year’s style. You don’t want hardwood when everyone else has a ruffled bed sham.
They pinpoint their sexual orientation precisely on the Kinsey scale. What you don’t know could end up getting you arrested for having a wide stance. Keep some bookmarks on your browser for medical grade pornography to be sure.
They look at the news for natural disasters in places their hired help come from. You don’t want to be caught off guard if you catch one of them weeping.
They choose a contrarian opinion they will trumpet to smoke out employees with backbones. It’s not enough to suspect Steve in Marketing is a weasel who reads the Guardian. You need to be ready with evidence.
They check their morning newsletter to find out which garbage part of animals they should order as a power move at the next board dinner. If you’ve never had the webs between fish toes, you might as well swing by Arby’s, after all.
They research new ways to spend an obscene amount on personal consumables. What do you mean your underwear comes in packs of threes? for 15 dollars? Everyone knows your balls have a safer landing on ones hand knit by the only remaining Merovingian nun order in the world.
They select their favorite artisanal apple varietal (or olive oil producer, or milk type and percentage) that they will eat with exclusivity. It’s important to make your decisiveness known even in the low stakes world of apple eating. If you’re not insufferable, your team will know they can fuck with you.
They smoke cigars in a bubble bath. They were at a benefit dinner one time seated next to David Letterman and he made it sound great. It is.
They pay a nice Californian nutritionist to look at snapchats of their morning BM and grade it. Gotta make sure you’re the picture of health and can pass your company physical since your doctor can’t be bought.
They have their girl pre warm their towels, robe and toothpaste. Cold toothpaste is for people who make less than $3000 an hour. It’s that kind of laziness that means they’ll stay there, too.
They check the updates in their group chat on who’s sexier: Warren Buffet or George Soros?
Soros now, Soros forever.
Success is a state of mind. If you’re not putting your whole self into the process, then you can expect poor results. Follow these can’t miss tips to success.