Christians’ Horrible Week: First, Those Starbucks Cups. Now, Losing Zooey Deschanel

Christian Soldiers, we’ve lost one to friendly fire this week. It seems that Zooey Deschanel, no doubt influenced by peer pressure in Hollywood, became Jewish this week. This is a terrible loss to all of us who enjoy cotton, and her well trimmed bangs.

Losing Zooey wasn’t the only problem Christianity had this week. You may have noticed that Starbucks took all their Christian iconography- snowflakes, bells and snowmen off their cups in favor of a secular ombre pattern. It’s unclear why they want to court the “Holiday Blend” crowd, when this is a Christmas country, but it’s just one battle we’re fighting in the War on Christianity.

Just the other day, I was in the Gap and they were selling blue and white scarves. The scarves had a squiggly looking pattern on them. You don’t have to be Jon Stewart to know what that means. I don’t think they stopped making green and red yarn.

Exhibit B: I was at a local Christian burger chain, “In N Out” and wanted to read the bible passage on my empty cup. I turned it over and saw what can only be described as Islamic letters where the Bible verse used to be. Do not let them tell you it was a “printing error.” Those were Qur’an verses, and you can’t tell me differently.

It’s not just our stores, though. Our popular culture is betraying us, too. I heard that that Jewish fella from the funniest show on TV, “The Big Bang Theory” is playing God on Broadway? We can’t even find a Christian to play God? I bet Mel Gibson was free, but they never gave him a chance.

In local news, those two guys at the end of our street that I’ve had an eye on for a while started putting up their Christmas lights, or so I thought. It turns out, their idea of festive lighting is hot pink and lime green. I think it’s safe to say we know who’s rubbing the SCOTUS decision in our faces this year.

Look, we can’t afford to lose any more battles in the War on Christianity. If you care about your immortal soul, and not having to learn any PC language, then we need to stay vigilant. Take a pledge this year to be good Christians. Forcibly wish everyone in your vicinity a Merry Christmas. Tell those Godless women with the tight buns at the strip mall that yoga is against God’s plan. When they get into heaven, they’ll thank you.

Yours in Christ,

Mary-Jean Marie,

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